My shoulders tensed up; my heartbeat pounded at its
loudest. Dried tears threaten to burst out as my heart whispered, your journey
has just begun! The soul-breaking and uncomprehensive mind-clenching news is
here. This is the beginning of my imaginary but of a very public
perception of a non-visible triage of my seemingly inexplicable and
un-reasonable suppressed fear. I looked up at the television, the stock market
is down, my blank unthoughtful mind just stared as a freight-train whistled
across my emotion saying: “it does not matter anyway?” The nurse called me
in, she added, "would you like your wife to accompany you?" The
looming devastating fear is now reality. My eyes bulged with fright and
confusion as I murmured. “What is happening to me?” This intense feeling
of, not so much about me but, what about them? How are they going to live
without me? Perhaps this is a self-valued perception, but it gives a pretty
good reason to live on. Yes, my beautiful wife, my daughter, Lupe and her two
kids, King and Prince. If there’s a single reason for my living on this earth,
this is it! providing them shelter and food is my single greatest purpose.
Still the reality, I must face it: On September 6th.
2022 at 10:00 AM, my Death Sentence was handed to me. The indiscriminatory
executioner with an ageless footprint’s marches in as the towering nightmare
and in his hand, is the double edge sword called Cancer.
Threatening with a dual grip, the executioner, the
headsman, raised the terrifying sword over my head. As the weeping willow of my
dried tears bubbled out from my heart whispering: “this sword is a living
thing that can think for itself, though no one has never seen it speaking,
either telepathically or else, but it has expressed itself via its actions.”
Don’t be afraid, as I sunk to my knees, Lord God Almighty, sprinkle Your mercy
on me! Millions of painful and sorrow journeys has been destroyed. In fact,
currently, the statistic among men, one out of every seven men, is threaten by
the headsman and his terrifying sword. Within the past several weeks, I
willed myself to wrestle with death. I have told my wife that death will come
to me slowly as dictated by my habits and lifestyle. My addictive nature to the
mental state of loneliness and depression has often drove me to the edge of
laboratory unpleasantness--one can study but only can whisper the undertone of
the final autopsy.
Perhaps Einstein said it best: “I live in that solitude, which is
painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” Life has
always been a journey for me. In my youth, I chosen my own paths influenced by
my own intellectual emotions but dictated by energies beyond my control;
weather it was the right or wrong paths, they are the paths that I have
travelled and, in my maturity, I managed. The apostle wrote, “whatsoever a man
[habitually] soweth, that shall he also [repeatedly] reap” Galatian 6:7. For
the paths that I have taken can only lead me to those destinations. Hence,
whatever, I have chosen, I have chosen to give those and receive, precisely,
the same things. Why is it that we continue to deceive ourselves and think that
we can give little and receive more—nonsense. However, what I am saying here is
that my imaging faculty that mapped out those paths and vividly displayed those
destinations are willed by my own thoughts. I often said to myself, my Journey
is the manifestation of my imagination; damn those external energies that often
interrupted and detoured the paths. Detoured paths took prominence on many of
my journeys. I often found the detoured paths as unforgiving distorted
imaginations that dug graves at the end of every detours.
My interest in the journey itself is as significant as my interest in the destinations. The impediment to the journey is the journey itself, hence, whatever path is taken becomes the journey itself. Therefore, it becomes a series of overcoming obstacles and by overcoming those obstacles, I learned life lessons. Hence, I thoughtfully commit to our imagination that obstacles are necessary occurrences in my paths. A journey becomes a journey only when obstacles stand in the way, and we must overcome them to continue. Moreover, how is a journey is a journey if you do not meet any obstacles? Merely, we would not have anything to offer life; our emotions would be bankrupted of necessary tools to make the destination. If one’s think that the dualistic nature of the journey does not exist, they may be right, it is because they never experience the contrary. If the path is filled with hate, they have managed to atone themselves with hate and don’t see it any other way. There is an ongoing dualistic interaction that move together toward the betterment of one’s life; the obstacles on our paths play a big role a trekking pole. How can we understand Love without experiencing Hate—the obstacle is Hate and the solution is Love. What allows us to find that solution is because we had experienced the emotion of hate. As you can see, it is not a matter of choosing the right path; it is finding the dualistically contradiction of the obstacle—finding Love to overcome hate; finding rich to overcome poor; finding happiness to overcome sadness. However, these are undefined emotions that are only measurable by their results. Psychoanalysis of the human has only peaked into the biology, but we learned these results and act accordingly. Nonetheless, the fundamental question: what is love anyway?
What I encountered during the journey externalize how I live this life. Should I be holding up signs “Destination Death.” How disinterest the world around me? Or should it be a sign that reads “Destination Life,” are you nuts? murmur the crowd. Distractions could just be that, no one person knows the inner working of someone else hearts. As one must become one with others to totally understand the togetherness of the atonement. We cannot understand the thing of the spirit by observing it, we must become oneness by self-abandonment and be in synchronized union with others. It is like this, the apostle acknowledges this in Roman 8:10, “But if Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, the spirit is life because of righteousness." This is the essence of our paths; Christ is the Journey and the Destination. The paths must go through life and death, and we have to accept these. If we say that life is a blessing than we automatically accept death as also, a blessing, no matter how we label it.
Could Death be the blessing that I’ve been longing for? Can Death guide me through the development of my transitioned soul? Could my accepting the blessing of death reduced all the gifts that life has offered during my Journey to mere ashes? Nevertheless, the injustice of life, natural or human created, poured life into a pot of evil extravaganza that inspired excessiveness. Those of the Powerful pushed life into the extreme which left those of the weaks' shivered in their state of unobserved suffering.
Fear is now an integral definition of myself. what is
it anyway? Is it a physical and biological reaction to which that is unknown
and that that I will no-longer experience? Truly, at the end of the day,
everything is reduced to ashes; no more needed shelter nor food. Hence, if
there's nothing to protect and preserve, fear is an useless emotion.
Oftentimes, fear imprisoned us to a virtual nothingness. There are specific
spectrums of our lives we designated within the context of our emotions as
taboo (tapu); hence, emotional fear arises when we penetrate those taboos and
manipulate our actions toward the pretendative self. However, I've accepted my
condition and fear has been but purposeless; hence, my loneliness and
depression remains rootless.
It is only a matter of time for the unseen tumor in
my soul to materialistically appear in one of my organs. Cancer of the soul is
the most undiagnostic cancer of all. It is the evil spirit that sooth the soul
(pea lata ai au) and built her home there that often drove away loneliness.
Gnome instability is the equivalent of my un-sequenced Spirit. My spirit
has been liquidized and unsynchronizingly flow according to the direction of my
instable gnome. I repeatedly cried out with the Psalmist, “Many are the
afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them
all.” Psalm 34:19. This is a terrifying context, pain, war, diseases,
volcanic eruption to my beloved Island, and death from the pandemic have gone
rampant has only drove my internal turmoil into my anxiously awaited death
sentence.
Until I am called, the struggle with Loneliness and
depression is real. It is the affliction of my daily prevalent struggle. I
mourn and plea over this ageless evil daily. I cry out together with the
Psalmist, "The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, He saved
me. Return, O my soul, to your rest;" Psalm 116:6.
Dr. Bruner said, "this is just a small wrinkle
on [my] journey." with that, I must find a purpose. To be continued…
Right before I was pushed into the surgery room, the
surgeon, Dr. Bruner, stop by to see me. Gave me work of encouragement and he whispered”
“God be with us”
- Tangata’olakepa
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