My Journey Through the Wilderness

My Journey Through the Wilderness 

As of Late, It has been very difficult for me to sleep early. And driven by habit and obligations, I also wake up early in the morning at no later than 5:00 AM.  Most morning, I wake up feeling lost but the auto pilot in me has the ability not only to suppress but also provide sufficient distraction for those feelings--Lost and so very alone. 

Early morning awakenings can bring these feelings to the surface more for me. Often my awestrucking mind wondered: "Who have I been in my life? How can I express who I am more while I am still alive? Who will hear or see me? Does it matter? Do I have sustainable value? Do I matter?"

The quiet of an early morning is unlike any other, I think! In my mind, the world is not awake yet. The stillness brings up thoughts, for me, of the final quiet, perhaps, that happens to us all.

I will be turning 60 years old this August, 2024, and this reverberation feeling inside me as there is something I am fight against but scantly hidden away in obscurity at the imaginary black hole of my wilderness, Yet, in some ways, I feel like that life had just began. 

After retiring over three years ago, I have been devoting time to writing and to painting, neither of which I had the time or energy to really pay attention to while I was busy working. I got focused on the job, the career, and lost these pieces of myself. For a while. They never went away, thankfully.

So, here I am at 70. Feeling the reality of mortality. The much shorter length of the road ahead of me compared to the road behind me. Where did all those years go?

What do I do now? How do I live the best life that I can, as I watch my body continue to age and change? What will I be able to do and for how long?

I still feel all the feelings of each age that I have been.

I can still get lost in childlike wonder as I gaze at the beauty of nature, of animals, of this earth. I can still delight in a carousel ride, even if others find that laughable. I stop and pause in absolute humility as I gaze at all the life forms that we are fortunate enough to still have on this planet. It’s humbling. I am in awe of it all.

I can still feel the delight of sensuality and attraction, even if there may be no more opportunities to act on these with someone else. Even if no one sees that in me anymore. Even if others want to deny that these feelings still exist within an elder. They do. I am alive, after all.

I can still feel the delight of seeing something that came through me, like a piece of writing or a painting. I feel wonder at the life force that flows through us all, getting expressed in whatever…